“Why aren’t you spending time with me?”
“The kids need their mother.”
“You’re the only one who can look after your aunt while she’s recovering. Everyone else has to work.”
Duty (sometimes) Equals Failure.
As we journey to passing the Bar some of us face demands on our time and resources from the people we hoped would support us.
Why can some people give an emphatic “No” and move on, yet some find themselves sucked into dutiful tasks that take them away from Bar study?
One of the four fears that control us and block us from achieving our goals is the fear of the loss of love. (The three other fears will be discussed in future articles).
Does this Sound Strange?
You may not readily recognize the fear of loss of love working in your life but this article will awaken your awareness and you will start to recognize when it’s happening, so read through to the end, take the information in and let it percolate.
Do you fear you will no longer fit into your current social circle if you climb up? Do you fear drifting apart from your friends?
Some of us have loved ones in our lives who secretly fear losing us if we climb up. They may express that fear by withdrawing their love and affection when we make moves to succeed.
If fear of the loss of love controls you, your response will be to do less of the thing that causes you to lose their love, unwittingly sabotaging yourself.
Fear of loss of love has effectively controlled you since infancy.
As a baby, loss of love meant you wouldn’t get fed or clothed. After all it’s your cuteness that had your parents doting over you, noticing and caring whether your diaper was wet, wanting to comfort you and hush your crying. Accordingly, you were fed, warmed, and given anything else you needed.
As you grew older withdrawal of love and affection quickly became a useful disciplining mechanism. Think of the punishments that hurt the most as a child: being sent to away, being scolded, having something taken away or a gift (think Christmas) withheld, getting spanked… Whatever caused the most pain was often effective in deterring a child from similar actions and this became an effective disciplinary tool for the parent.
As a teenager, the withdrawal of your peers’ approval and acceptance was a powerful tool to mold your behavior. After all, you learned not to bawl your eyes out in class, refrained from saying “weird” things and some teens even learned to hide their intelligence if it wasn’t acceptable to be smart amongst their peers.
Ever heard a teenager say, “I’ll just DIE if ___________. (Fill in the blank.)
It’s not rational but while the ego is in full control (which it is until you hit adulthood) it certainly *feels* to that teenager that he will die if _________ does or does not happen. This is fear of the loss of love, carried forward from infancy into your teenage and young adult years. To the infant loss of love = death. And unconsciously we still carry that belief.
Often what we label as duty is really fear of loss of love
As an adult fear of loss of love is still emotionally powerful but it doesn’t have the life or death consequences that it did when you were a helpless baby. However, after years of being controlled by this fear we automatically act in response to this fear. We don’t even realize that’s what we are doing.
We will give rational-sounding but ultimately illogical explanations like, “it’s my job”, “this is my role”, “it’s my duty”. This is how fear unconsciously controls us. If you’ve lived under this fear long enough you likely won’t see the true source of the reasoning behind your actions. You will need an article like this, plus the help of a mentor to help you see what you are really doing and why.
Loosen the grips of this fear over your life.
Become aware of when the fear of loss of love controls you. Rise above that fear by recognizing this:
The part of you that fears anything is just your survival mechanism, your Ego. The Ego’s job is to keep you safe.
As an adult, we have the independence and power to step outside of our Ego and realize that fear is just our survival mechanism talking, and it need not control our adult actions.
The loss of a social circle may mean a couple of weekends alone as you search out new friends (you needed that downtime for your job hunt anyway ;-). Maybe the loss of love means you will have a more difficult time supporting your family. But you’re not going to die if you need to make new friends or make ends meet on your own. You might not like how it feels, but it’s just a feeling. Feelings need not control your life.
Think about that.
Set up a time to talk with me about how you’ve gotten to where you are in your Bar Exam journey and how you can work with a Bar Exam Mentor to climb out of your rut and breakthrough to success