Learning you failed the bar can make you:
Not want to get out of bed for work, your kids,
want to skip your workout even though you know you need it now more than ever
want to shut off your thoughts with a Netflix binge and your sinful snacks
You know time heals all wounds...
You know it's not actually the end of the book...
You know deep down people will get over it...
But you're not sure about yourself.
See failing the bar presents a gnawing thought you definitely don't want to hear out loud.
"Maybe it's me?"
"Was it me?"
"Who else or what else could it be?"
But you don't want to think it through because that train of thought is painful.
Then you start to dissect how the exam went and start to point out things that you now chide yourself for "see I shouldn't have done that, I should have done this." And that feels even worse.
You know time heals all wounds and this is probably not even the best time to think about the details of the bar exam.
But you really want this to heal NOW. Better yet, you wish this wound was never inflicted. Because it hurts. It's disappointing. And all you can do now is drown in the disappointment or box it up and bury it. And most bar retakers will opt to box it up and bury it because:
1. You have real lives to live, the world hasn't stopped turning because of failing the bar
2. If you let yourself have those feelings and emotions...you might not make it back up to the surface, not today...nor any time soon. And frankly, that's scary. You could easily let yourself slip into a grey place if you let loose. So you bottle it up.
Why does failing the bar feel so personal?
What do you do with all those feelings that threaten to emotionally cripple you and keep you from moving on with your day?
What can you do to avoid the same fate all over again?
If you identify as a bar retaker here are some thoughts that may help
1. Maybe you've read that the bar and your results don't define you. hearing it and knowing it are two different things. Many people who've gotten to graduate and sit for the bar are accustomed to accomplishments. They are accustomed to people acknowledging them or celebrating them or giving them more responsibility or more leniency or giving them deeper support or priority. they are used to receiving some type of change of behavior from the people around them in response to their accomplishment. So on a deep mental level your survival part of the brain which I call the ego creates a rule that says, to get more of this behavior you need to accomplish more. then more, then more, soon we just become accomplishment machines.
Sometimes we can forget the real meaning and purpose behind accomplishing the goal we've chosen, and that's when our identity gets all wrapped up in it. So when you fail the bar exam according to this rule and the pattern that has been set up, you experience way more impact and sorrow than simply failing an exam. It cuts you to the quick. It's intrinsically tied to your identity. That's why failing the bar can hit some bar takers so hard.
2. In the world of disappointment, whether it's a breakup or failing the bar, the only way to truly feel better is to journey through the emotions. letting yourself feel the sadness, the anger, the fear, the regret, and all other feelings that come up is the fastest way to feel better. Letting emotions run their course can feel scary because it can feel like the emotions will drown you, that they will keep you from functioning (and if it does for a day or two that's okay), or the emotions will take everything out of you, preventing you from getting back up and trying again. I've seen where a person can be crying today and genuinely happy tomorrow because they let the emotions run their course.
3. What's really happening when you fail the bar is a wide-open question. And it's agonizing to first speak up about failing and second get insight into why you failed. All of that seems a process in self-flagellation. It feels like you're required to deepen the self-humiliation in order to get help. That's why so many bar takers don't get help. Unfortunately, this leads to going for the next bar exam without any meaningful changes. And only learning through trial and error that what you thought was the matter wasn't really the matter.
How many more failed bar exams before you decide to stop this cycle of self-punishment?
I read a post the other day on Facebook where a woman announced that she'd once again failed and she wasn't going to try anymore--for the sake of her mental health. It's not just the number of attempts that go her here but undoubtedly the mental way she went about rehashing the failed bar exam and preparing for the next. It's the mental side that makes or breaks it. That's why mindset prep is an indispensable part of bar prep and carries benefits that will even give you a better attorney career in the future.
I put together a simple handbook to help you healthily examine your past bar exam attempt and start to feel ready to think about the next bar. I'll link it below. You deserve to get to the other side of this. You are already an amazing asset to this legal world, now we just need to get you the license to match it :-)
When you're ready to think about taking the bar again I invite you to look at my introductory lecture Retake Success! It's for the repeat bar taker and first-time bar taker who questions whether they can make it, who struggles with procrastination, or whose fear of the future or of failing makes them self-sabotage in other ways.
In Retake Success you'll experience key components to bar exam confidence-building and sabotage elimination that my private, high-level coaching clients get to experience. In addition, I will grant you access to our private community where you can ask questions, feel supported, and regain some of your clarity around the bar exam.
This combination of learning, experiences, and support gets a bar taker mentally and emotionally ready to tackle the bar from a healthy place. So, if it's calling you after you download your free guide to retake the bar exam, look into acquiring Retake Success, it will be shown to you on the very next page after you download. Look for the link to your free handbook below.