Failing hurts…and that’s okay
whether an undeniable fail like not passing the bar exam, or an undefined fail, like falling behind on your study schedule….
It can even be a professional fail like having your argument rejected, your research memo critiqued to shreds or being fired from your very first law job. Ouch!
Why failure stings
It means something about you
The event is meaningless, until you give it meaning. Do you make something a stepping stone, or make it evidence that you don’t deserve your dreams? Often the meaning we assign it is whatever self-talk was programmed in us through early childhood and significant relationships (parent-child, romantic partner, boss-employee).
It triggers you
The meaning assigned to failing will impact your emotions. People often experience dysregulation where they blow up or shut down, leave their body and move through their day robotically. Consequences of dysregulation include poor choices, maybe they splurge on shopping when they aren’t in the position to do so, going back to poor escape habits, isolating (which promotes depression), procrastination or neglect of other duties.
It shadows your future
Failure stings most importantly because negative meanings about the event, and about yourself, hangs over you going forward. You may incorporate those negative meanings and let that baggage guide your future decisions. Heartbreakingly this creates a self-fulfilling prophecy that promotes failing again.
Keep failure from hurting your future
These are the directions that recovering bar takers use to soften the blow and protect their future energy for retaking and eventually passing the bar exam.
Notice what you are making the failure event mean.
Notice what you are afraid of (consequences of failing).
Poke holes in the “stories” you’re coming up with. Are they absolutely true?
Choose an alternative response. How would a friend respond to your negative stories?
Give yourself permission to feel how you feel and also reassure yourself with the alternative responses.
Need help releasing past baggage that’s currently influencing a negative self-fulfilling prophecy?
Do a deep dive with our course Retake Success!