Money, Credit and Debt Shame Creates More of the Same.
“I understand that may apply to your federal loans. But there isn’t an option with your private loans were you can just not pay.” Said the customer service rep. “We can put you into a forbearance plan,” she continued, “but you’ll have to pay in order to do it.”
And so the conversation goes with the distraught graduate whose post graduation deferment has ended but who hasn’t yet found a job.
Money Shame. Everyone encounters it at some point...some live in it continuously.
Have you ever found yourself in this position with your student loans? Or maybe you find yourself applying for unemployment benefits or food assistance and you never imagined that a high powered law school graduate soon-to-be lawyer would be in this position.
Maybe you find yourself in between jobs. You pride yourself on perfect credit and now your credit is a far cry from that. To add salt to the wound you have to grovel for extensions, payment plans, forbearance and even take out high-interest, short-term loans.
This situation is particularly deflating for us high-achieving “most likely to succeed” types.
Being a determined and hard-working individual who can accomplish anything that you put your mind to, it’s hard to accept or admit that things just aren’t working out right now. You know on a rational level that it will work out some day. But…
On a visceral level you’re afraid we won’t make it.
TODAY you are scared you won’t make rent. You’re frightened about impending credit reporting that’ll make your future endeavors even harder to attain. You’re even choosing between gas and groceries right now. And the help that you actually need to make it out of this rut, costs money. Money that you don’t have. The people who can help you demand proof that you’re actually broke. And it is shame-inducing.
How do you make it out of this situation?
I’m not going to tell you not to feel ashamed or how it’s all going to get better and how you’ll make it through. Instead, I’m asking you to take a moment, and think back to your earlier years. When was a time that you felt shame for not being able to pay for something? It could have been as a kid in school.
Find the source of this shame conditioning.
Maybe you went to the checkout line at your school’s bookstore, or Santa shop and found you didn’t have enough money for everything you had picked up. Or maybe it was in the school cafeteria line when you found you had forgotten your lunch money or didn’t have enough money in your prepaid account to eat the hot lunch that all the other children were getting. So you had to sit aside and have peanut butter and crackers.
Maybe you heard your parents arguing over money and unpaid bills. And as adults are prone to do they forgot kids might be listening and they loudly expressed how ashamed the other should be about spending at the mall when a household bill is yet to be paid, or buying the latest gadget when the mortgage debt could’ve been whittled down.
Or maybe you overheard how they didn’t have credit to do certain things and they regret unwise decisions that resulted in bad credit. You registered in your childlike mind not to let the shame of unpaid bills or bad credit be your fate.
Understand your mind has cleverly helped you avoid this ‘bad’ thing.
From that moment to this, your Ego’s mission has been to spare you from the shame and bad feelings of not meeting your financial obligations. To those without knowledge of how the mind works, it’s an endless race trying to get away from debt and unpaid bills. Because the more you focus on the shame of unpaid bills, the more you create it. You might work yourself to death, cut back expenses to the bare minimum and get some traction in paying down debt, get some traction, but like Sandra Bullock, ‘Boy’, and ‘Girl’ in The Birdbox movie, you’re never quite safe from the unseen monster. You only get momentary reprieves but have to stay on high alert in case the monster creeps near.
Here’s what you do for permanent relief; feel the shame.
Feel the shame. Wallow in it. Let it be there. And when the dam breaks, when the feeling makes it’s presence unmistakably present with this icky feeling that you visibly cringe from let it be there. Sit with it. Don’t run away to happier thoughts or trying to make it better. Just look at it. Soon the feeling explodes out of you in a torrent of tears.
Take the calm that sets in after this storm and ask yourself, if I don’t have to pay my bills, have a high credit score, and live debt free to avoid shame what’s my inspiration for doing these things?
Reclaim your power to create your life on your terms.
NOW, my dear, you get to create your life from inspiration. NOW you get to put together a vision board, draft affirmations, and creatively visualize something that will in fact come to pass. Because it comes from a higher place. Not from fear of x or needing to avoid y.
This is how we create. Uncover the ego based driving desire. Acknowledge it. Hold it, feel it, and when it’s ready, let it go. Then, with the peace and energy you get from letting go of that fear-based desire, find your new, Higher-purpose sourced reason for your desire (if you still desire it) and create from there.
When you no longer need it, you often find you never wanted it.
No lie. Many times once a person moves past the ego-based fear, they realize the desire is no longer—well—desired. And they move on to other things. This process can be done with whatever goals or desires you have in life. It especially should be done if you’re trying over and over again for something and getting the same unhappy result.
Still in debt?? Still have a terrible job that overworks you and underpays you? Still can’t find love? Still can’t pass the Bar? Wherever you are in life, if there’s a goal and something standing in between you and the goal, you can apply this process and get to your prize.
Authors Note: Some students of Life know the way to most effectively accomplish their goals is with the help of a guide. If you want help implementing this process, find out how a coach can guide you on the path to achievement. Check out my coaching page and see what options are right for you.